Thankful for a Classmate

           One concept that I’ve always struggled with is the idea of letting people go.  I struggle with this not because of my dependence on the other person but because of my need to classify human relationships and identify my feelings.  My thoughts about other people adapt very gradually…very cautiously…because I feel unstable when I do not understand myself.

            My time in high school introduced me to a girl whose feelings rapidly intensify and diminish. In this classmate, my locker partner, I see my own perspectives manifest in tears, bear hugs, and squeals.  Although they sometimes appear unusual, my locker partner’s emotions are always relevant.  In fact, they are often such relevant emotions that I was formally taught to ignore them.  Fear of fire drills is one example.  During my first school fire drill, I was a hysterical component of a chaotic kindergarten class.  Following this disorder, teachers spent countless lunch periods walking my classmates and I along our fire drill routes as well as alerting us to the benefits of quiet and orderly exits.  During my first high school fire drill, I stood right next to the exit door with my locker partner, armed for the quickest escape. I was reminded in this moment of the innate fear of loud, blaring noises indicative of building-swallowing flames: a fear that I had been taught to ignore.

            Although my classmate sometimes experiences intense feelings, she has matured immensely in the past three years.  Most noticeably to me, she has developed a greater ability to let go of her emotions. The other day, my locker partner explained to me that she forgot to turn in an English assignment; she was worried that, in response to this, her English teacher was going to murder her.  She began talking very quickly and rapidly flipping through the pages of her textbook; however, unlike in situations throughout our freshman year, it took only one statement to restore the quiet, happy classmate for whom I am thankful.

            I admire my locker partner’s ability to feel so deeply and to let go more rationally.  She is able to surrender herself to her thoughts and then to reason her way out of them.  In contrast, I am sometimes afraid of that surrender. I have developed certain habits in this anxiety: I try to keep myself busy outside of school, I write about thoughts rather than emotions, I subconsciously become more distant if I feel that I am too dependent on someone.  Further, it is hard for me to completely let go of friends, coaches, and family members, especially those who have been dependent on me; I am confused in this letting go process because I can no longer classify our relationship or understand my role in the other person’s life.  My locker partner has demonstrated to me the power of feeling and the rationality that lies in letting go of rationale.  She has proven to me that some surrender is often innate and, ultimately, okay! I am not only thankful for her bubbliness, helpfulness, and genuineness, but also for the life lessons that she has shared with me throughout the past three years.  I am lucky to have the opportunity to grow alongside an incredible classmate.